try again

I need it to rain.

Every site online says that it won’t rain today. Every site tells me I have to endure another day of sun, but I honestly don’t know if I can. I haven’t had a thought in days. I haven’t been able to think. To process. The sun and the heat and the humidity have drained me of any ambition. Any energy. I still function and I still sit and talk and laugh. But I need a moment to myself. I need a moment where I can feel whatever it is that the sun has kept me from feeling. It’s random and it doesn’t make sense, but I know that rain would make everything better. I know that there is something that I need to deal with – some problem I’ve kept tucked away and hidden – that will show itself in the shadows thats clouds create.

I would clean my room, and watch through my windows and people leap over puddles and muddle through the rain water – running, having forgotten their umbrellas. I would walk down Thayer Street and feel the water pound my skull and hear the cars honk, their lights on in the middle of the day. The water would run down the street, picking up bits of trash and dirt and liter before depositing it down drains – clearing the way, I suppose. I would sit on my bed with my window cracked and smell Spring. I would listen to the water hit pavement and nap for a few hours. I would wake up and feel my bones ache and know, for a moment, that I exist.

But best of all, I’d have a moment to myself. It is too hard to be alone when the weather is as nice as it has been. It is too easy to get trapped in the feelings of jubilation that the sun brings forth, and rain would take care of that for me. I would finally have the time and energy to understand what I am doing.